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Old 03-14-2019, 04:36 PM
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Originally Posted by KissArmy View Post
Just finished attending four weddings this year... they were all well done, all the guests had a good time, and you could tell the bride and groom loved each other.

It occurs to me the weddings I remember best were the wedding Fails... where something went badly wrong during the wedding or even worse, you could see the signs that the marriage was doomed. Ever seen a wedding Fail? I have- here are my top two:

My cousin was a sweet, naive, pretty teenage girl attending a Christian University. He was a lying, delusional braggart about 6 years older, having just been kicked out of the military. He arrived on campus hunting for a virgin Christian bride and damned if he didn't find my cousin. The wedding was set for the summer after her first year of college.

The first sign the marriage was doomed was his out-of-town family- an unfriendly, cultish bunch led by his father, who was an arrogant, sanctimonious, bible-beating prick. He was a minister so he performed the wedding ceremony too. You knew the marriage was doomed when he turned to my cousin and told her the Bible commanded her to submit to his son. Then he turned to his prick son and told him the Bible said he could show his wife who's Boss. He then unleashed his shit son on my cousin.

My cousin divorced him within a year, being no longer able to tolerate his physical and sexual abuse and his getting fired from job after job. Later on she admitted she knew he was a loser going in to the wedding but couldn't "disgrace" her family by calling it off. And now the most memorable wedding fail I have ever seen...

She was a rather plain, quiet girl. He was a up and coming attorney and party boy. Both families attended my church and believed in "tradition." The bride's mother, for example, proudly told the groom's mother that she had taken her daughter-bride to the gynocologist the week before the wedding and the doctor confirmed the groom would be getting a virgin (I am not making this up). Both families also tried to "punch above their weight," society/class-wise, and that laid the seed for the epic wedding fail.

The wedding began with the wedding party right next to two, giant, 60-candle candelabras blazing away in the closed-off church sanctuary. Classy? Maybe, but definitely one hundred twenty candles sucking the air out of the area.

The flower girl was the first to go, simply walking off the stage. Then we could all see one of the bridesmaids swaying; she staggered off the stage and literally crashed onto the front pew, fainting dead away. The minister saw he had a problem on his hands and quickly asked everyone to bow their heads in prayer.

Then we heard it- BOOM! We looked up and the groomsman on the end was gone, having toppled backwards into the organ pit off to the right of the stage. He too had fainted, having partied too much, eaten too little, and gotten no air. The minister, seeing he now had a disaster on his hands, quickly married off the bride and groom and got everybody to the reception.

While the wedding had its "fail," the wedding reception's ending gave us its "this marriage is doomed." As the bride and groom got into the back seat of their getaway car to begin their honeymoon, the bride's daddy was driving and the bride's sister jumped in the back seat with them. The marriage lasted less than two years.

OK, what have you seen?
On a sad note, I just discovered the "120 candles" bride mentioned above died last year at age 59. Cancer got her too. Poor girl had a series of career and marriage fails all the way into her 50s.
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